Am I Okay Being Alone?

Over the past couple of years, I have been focusing on various aspects of my life. My therapist and psychiatrist have been putting in the work, which I am thankful for, and I genuinely believe I have seen remarkable progress. I believe the area that has required the most of my focus is being okay with being alone with myself. For the majority of my life, I have always struggled just being on my own. Not the concept of being and taking care of myself, but being in my own company and enjoying my own company. I don't have a lot of memories of doing anything on my own, mainly because, at least what I think, is I've just killed the time and would wait until I had something to do with other people.

It is, obviously, never a healthy habit. I want to say it was something I was able to kick in my teen years as I learned who I was as a person, but obviously, if you've read any of my previous work, that is not the case. It wasn't even something I realized until my mid-20s, and I'm just now feeling confident that I have moved past it. Now, I am drinking a cup of coffee, having a snack, watching college football and baseball, at 9:40 pm on a Saturday night. I'm enjoying it, too.

There are still times I question myself, however. Even tonight (before my night of coffee, writing, and sports), there were moments where I questioned if the progress I feel so confident about was actually my reality. Or, was it just another lie I told myself??

Whenever I'm in public alone, that's when I start to question myself. There are my places I enjoy going and feel at home on my own. My HEBs, my Barnes and Nobles, those places. There are some places, some events, some moments that, initially, sound like a ton of fun to me. Most of the day, I tell myself I will have fun and enjoy myself, but that is never enough for the anxiety that sets in when I am preparing to leave and on the way. Sometimes I still go, sometimes I don't. Either way, I know I would feel more comfortable and possibly enjoy myself more if I were there with someone. Someone I know, someone I am comfortable with, someone I can lean on.

I understand and accept that I have social anxiety. That isn't new knowledge for me. Does that mean my progress is a facade, though? Have I actually not made as much progress as I thought? I look forward to the nights I get home from work and the gym, when I can just read, write, eat dinner, watch wrestling, anime, or sports, and be present. I love those nights. I still struggle, however, with how dependent on others my comfort seems to be for other opportunities that I really think I will enjoy.

I am okay and accept that. I don't view my social anxiety as a flaw anymore, but just a part of who I am. Most of the time. There are still times, like earlier today, when I wish I were different. Where I let the negative thoughts creep in and let them tell me, even convince me, that something is wrong with me. That I would be happier if I was just different. That I should be ashamed of that part of me. I can proudly say that those moments are, now, few and far between. The negative thoughts, no matter how uncommon, always tend to be the loudest and last the longest, however.

This seemed like a rambling collection of thoughts, so I apologize if they were hard to follow. If you care about what I feel and think at the end of this senseless babble, I believe I have made significant progress in loving my own company. I acknowledge my social anxiety can be tough to manage and is something I should continue to challenge at times by putting myself in those uncomfortable situations. I also think it is okay to decide not to go to those situations at other times. I don't think there's anything wrong with me; I don't think it is something to be ashamed of, and I don't think it is something that will affect my happiness unless I let it. What do you think??