Healing Sucks.

So many things get romanticized in our world today it is alarming. Personal life through social media. Relationships. Certain jobs. The “daily grind”. All of it. So much and so concerning. You know what else seems to be far too romanticized?? Healing. You see people talking about their healing phase all the time. Post videos with the caption “in my healing era” while running around an empty parking lot at night with friends. Makes you feel that this “healing era” is this wonderful part of your life where you will feel amazing about how you are and who you are because you’re healing. Well, that’s a lie. A big, bold face lie. HEALING FREAKING SUCKS. I would give anything to be out of my healing phase and be done with it. Healing isn’t all laughing with friends, going out on the town, and meeting new people. Don’t get me wrong, that is a part of healing. A small part, but a part. In fact, it may be more of a result of the healing. Most of the time healing is filled with tears and frustration. It is filled with lying on your bed crying and you don’t know why. It is filled with lying on your bed crying and you know exactly why. It is filled with fear and anxiety that nothing will change. It is filled with fear and anxiety that everything will change. It is filled with days where I feel great and see progress actually happening. It is filled with days where I wonder why I’m waking up and trying still. It’s filled with days where I have confidence in myself and my skills. It’s filled with days where imposter syndrome is in full control and I wonder how I made it this far off the coattails of greater people. It's filled with days where I let my emotions breathe and process them and talk about them like I should. It's filled with days where I ignore my emotions and lock them away where I have been hiding and avoiding them for decades. It’s filled with days where I’m excited to be around others. It’s filled with days where I want to be alone because I just know those people hate me and don’t want to be around me. It’s filled with days where my appetite is normal. It is filled with days where food has no taste and purpose (which sucks as an amateur chef). It is filled with days where none of this even crosses my mind. It is filled with days where this all happens before lunch and I got out of bed at 11:00 am. Healing is raw, ugly, and painful. Healing is needed, powerful, and beautiful.

I try to remind myself of The ugliness of the process of healing and not confuse it with The Beauty of the Journey of Healing. There is a major difference. The Process of Healing is filled with the ugliness of confronting trauma, learning to deal with your responses to your trauma, horrible thoughts of how you’re never going to get better, leaving behind parts of you that you shouldn’t carry along anymore, endless tears and pain as you process the past, your emotions, and yourself. The Journey of Healing is filled with the beauty of transforming into a better and healthier person for yourself first and others second. When I only focus on the beauty in the journey (which, more often than not, is not appreciated until the end of said journey) I forget that the process of healing can be an ugly process. When I forget that, I feel like I am once again failing at something in life. I don’t know if there is anything more powerful in this world than our minds. How much our own minds can influence us is frightening. That’s one of the parts that makes healing so difficult, I think. I am literally going against my own mind and how it has been for decades. That’s why I need to remember both sides of healing; the ugly and the beautiful. Recognizing the process is hard, but the result is worth more than anything else in this world. If I only focus on how hard the process is, I lose sight of the hope at the end of the road. If I only focus on how great it will feel at the end, I feel like a failure because I haven’t gotten there yet. Healing is full of pain, misery, hurt, fear, and anxiety. However, it ends in hope, confidence, growth, love, and life. I hope to get there one day.

As usually, there is a Doctor Who quote that comes to mind right here. One that, ironically, never really hit me in the feels until recently. It goes,“The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don't always spoil the good things or make them unimportant.”. This quote comes from the 11th Doctor (my boy, Matt Smith. Will always be MY Doctor) and I think it hits it right on the head about what I have realized about healing and life for that matter. There is no possible way to avoid the ugliness of healing or life in this world. It is a part of being. However, without that ugliness we would never be able to appreciate the beauty. If it wasn’t for The Ugliness of the Process of Healing, then we wouldn’t recognize The Beauty of the Journey of Healing. It doesn’t matter how big my pile of good things or bad things are as long as I appreciate the pile of good things that are there. Andiamo.