I Can Go The Distance

I know I can be strong. I know I can get there. I don’t like the person I was. I was neglectful, selfish, bitter, lazy, and not a good person. I don’t want to be that anymore. I don’t want to live under the suffocating thumb of my anxiety anymore. I don’t want to question who I am as a person or what my personality looks like. I don’t want to rely on others for my value or my validation. I want to be my own person. I want to have my own life. I want to be strong. I want to rely and validate myself. I want to love myself. I want to be better. I, personally, feel I am getting better. I am starting to rely and validate myself. I am starting to love myself. I’m not there all the way quite yet, but I’m getting there. It seems to me that I have started to struggle with those thoughts and concepts lately. Which makes sense because I was having a run of a few weeks where I was feeling good and confident. I’ve learned that every high is followed by lows, but every low is followed by highs. I can’t just ignore the lows anymore. I can’t try to build my life in a safe boat so that when the lows come I will magically just float until it is over. Whenever I do that the boat sinks and I just drown. I have to acknowledge that life has lows no matter what you do. You just gotta keep swimming. You have to acknowledge the lows. You need to prepare yourself for the lows and learn how you react to them. Learn how you will try and ignore them. Learn how you will hurt in them. That way, when the lows come, you can be strong. You can turn away from the distractions of ignorance and face, head on, the feelings and emotions and fear of the lows. The only way you’re going to get out of the lows is to go at them. That is how you are strong. Not the ways of ignoring or avoiding them, but byfacing them.

I used to never face my lows. I never faced my emotions or feelings. It scared me. It still does. I can feel my anxiety trying to take a hold of me and tell me to panic, run, hide, distract. I won’t though. As I said before, I’m not that person anymore. I left Him behind and am not looking back. I am facing my lows, my feelings, my anxiety. I am taking the power back myself. I will not be cowardly anymore, but I will still be scared. Fear is unavoidable, so I need to stop trying to avoid it. I need to face it. I need to be strong. I know I can be strong. I will be strong. I can make it.