I Just Don't Know

I just don’t know how to feel right now. I feel lonely with the loss of everything, but feel at times good just hanging out with myself. I feel angry from not being able to get anything out, but I know I should just drop it and move on. I feel unheard, but don’t know how to be heard. I feel sad, but feel like I shouldn’t be. I feel hurt, but feel like it's wrong of me to feel that way. I feel numb at times, but don’t want to change anything because that’s better than feeling alone. I know I need to clean up, reflect, and process, but am so tired of that I just want to have time to just be. I’m scared I’m going to fall into bad habits, but feel like I’m stronger than that now. I feel like I’m stronger than before, but then break down and feel small. I feel like I’ll never get better, but then have days where the numbness almost feels like peace. I feel at peace, but then wake up from the dreams and feel like I’m back at the bottom of the pit. I feel like a fraud because of all the writings and progress I have done this year just to feel like this right now. I want to talk, but I don't know who too. I want to process, but am too tired to try. I want to move on, but am scared too. I want to be confident in myself and my choices, but I don’t trust myself right now. I want to reach out, but know I can’t and shouldn’t. I want…I don’t know. I just don’t know.

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