I Wish You Well, But...

I think we ourselves are our own worst enemy. I don’t mean as a human race or as a collective (although that could be true as well), but as an individual. The person who knows us best (or at least should, but that is a story for a different post) is ourselves. We know what motivates us, what drives us, what comforts us. We also, however, know what hurts us, what stops us, what causes us anxiety. I tear myself down worse than anyone else can. My own thoughts cut the deepest. I think, even beyond that, what makes me my own worst enemy is convincing myself that I can “fix” myself. Now, just hear me out on this one. Who is at fault for not “living in the valley” (another shameless plug for my first post ever) for the past decades?? I am. Who is at fault for relying on others to validate my worth?? I am. Who is at fault for allowing an unhealthy lifestyle to take control of me?? I am. Who is at fault for ignoring my feelings for decades and letting my mental health suffer?? I am. Who is at fault for letting that person hang around convincing myself I can “change” Him or “fix” Him?? I am. It is not that I don’t think I can “change” or “fix” myself; it’s that I can’t “change” or “fix” Him. The one who told themselves you’re not good enough. The one who told themselves if you weren’t here, everything would probably be better. The one who told themselves you’re the reason for things going wrong. The one who relied on others to validate their self worth and then ignored it thinking they’re probably just being nice. The one who said this wasn’t because of you, you just got lucky. There is no helping Him. He is poisonous and deadly. I can’t fix Him, but I can leave Him behind. I can tell Him you’re not welcome here anymore. I can tell Him you don’t have any power here anymore. I can tell Him you’re not in control anymore. I can decide to take back control and be the person I should be. Be the person that chooses to take care of themselves, to learn about themselves, to enjoy themselves. It’s scary though. I’ve been that Person for decades. I have some good memories as that Person. That is the Person who I’ve been for so many years. Made so many good memories as that Person. Meet some great people as that Person. However, I’ve made some bad memories too. It’s scary leaving who you are behind and becoming someone different. Will I even like this new person?? Will I even succeed as this new person?? Will other people like this new person?? How do I become this new person?? I don’t have any of those answers right now. However, I know that I need to leave Him behind and that is enough for right now. Will He pop back up eventually?? Of course. Will He try to claw his way back into my life?? Absolutely. I just need to keep on going and leave Him behind.