My Worst Critic

I have a critic. I have a tough critic. I have a critic who analyzes every little thing I do. They look for mistakes, bad ideas, bad decisions, bad writing, any little thing to remind me that I messed up. Remind me that I am not perfect. Remind me that, no matter what I’ve done before, I have once again messed up. They want me to think that I will always mess up. That I am always going to make mistakes. That I am always going to be a fuck up. They never miss a beat and are always there. Whether I am at work, out with friends, or just by myself…they are always there. Watching. I can’t get rid of them. I can’t escape them. I can’t hide from them. My worst critic is always right there with me through every decision, every step, every breath I take. In case it wasn’t already obvious…my worst critic is me. 

I am constantly looking to tear myself down with whatever I do. I used to hide it behind me trying to be “humble”. Never admitting when something I did was good. Never being proud of my work because I was told that was wrong. Never admitting that I did a good job. This led me to crave validation from other people. I needed it otherwise all I had was my own thoughts and my own thoughts wouldn’t let me validate myself. I didn’t know how to do that and couldn’t. How can I look at my own work, my own decisions, my own life and be proud?? I can’t make that decision. I need others to do that for me. I need their validation because mine doesn’t matter. I don’t know if I have ever been more wrong in my life. I thought I didn’t need my own validation, but rather I needed other peoples validation. I had it backwards for so long. I don’t need other peoples validation, but I do need my own. My own validation is all I need. Being proud of myself is all I need. Other people's validation is important from a social desire standpoint, but my own validation, my own “proud of you”, my own “great job, kid” is what I need. No one else's.

As I write this, I feel the critic in my telling me I’m wrong. He is telling me I am failing at what I am doing right now. He is telling me that I am a fuck up. He is telling me that there is no point because I’m going to mess up again. So I’m going to tell myself I am proud of myself. I am proud of myself for all the growth I have done in this last year alone. I am proud of myself for the mistakes I have made because I continue to learn from them. I am proud of myself for letting myself feel my thoughts and emotions for the first time in, probably, ever. I am proud of myself for opening up to others in ways I haven’t in years. I am proud of myself for reaching out for help when I need it instead of believing I am being a burden and need to handle it myself. I am proud of myself for continuing to get up no matter what has been thrown at me this year. I am proud of myself. I am doing a great job. I can do this. I will do this. He can shut the fuck up because I am going to be ok. I know I am and that is all I need.