The Sun is Alone Too. And It's Still Shining

Loneliness is a strange thing. You can feel lonely when you’re by yourself. You can feel lonely when you’re in a crowd of people. You can feel lonely when you’re sad. You can feel lonely when you’re happy. I’ve always associated loneliness with being by yourself. I don’t know when it started or why it started, but I’ve never liked being by myself. I’ve never liked to be WITH myself. Whenever I found myself with just me I always had to find a distraction. Play a video game, read a book, watch T.V, find someone to talk with. I can’t count the amount of times I had the TV on in the background and didn’t pay attention at all because I just needed background noise. It wasn’t even background noise to do work, although that sometimes happened, but rather background noise to just exist. It took until when I went off to college and had to share a room with a roommate that I finally fell asleep without the TV on. I never understood why I did that until now. I hated the quiet. I hated being by myself and the quiet. When I was by myself and it was quiet then I was just left with me, myself, and I. Nothing to distract me and nothing to feel like I wasn’t with myself. I don’t even really remember much of what I did. The first summer I ever spent by myself I picked up double shift after double shift so I wasn’t at home alone. That’s all I remember of that summer. I don’t remember how I spent my free time for most of my life. I think it’s because I was so focused on filling that free time with background noise, distractions, and anything to not be alone with myself. I’m not sure where or how that started, but it’s always been that way. Which is very ironic considering I’m introverted and need alone time to recharge. That may be something that led to my massive burn out on life. Needing to be by myself to recharge and refresh, but refusing to be by myself because I don’t want to be. I didn’t want to be by myself because I didn’t like myself. I thought there were thousands of better options than being with myself.

I’ve learned recently not just that it is ok to be on your own, but it is needed. I need to learn to be by myself and not just be ok with it, but cherish it. The only constant companion you’ll have in your life is yourself. Life can be pretty miserable, speaking from experience, when you hate being with yourself. Cherishing the time when you’re just on your own means you’re able to be ok with who you are. Actually, not just be ok with yourself, but love yourself. Your personality, your hobbies, your passions. All of it. Cherishing the time with just myself means I cherish myself and if I don’t cherish myself then I’ll never get better or grow. It’s easier said than done. Even now I can’t 100% say I’m ok being with just myself, let alone cherishing it. I’m getting better though. I know I need to not just be ok with who I am, but cherish and love who I am. Without that, healing and growth can never happen. Don’t get me wrong, a close circle and support system are still needed. However, there is nothing wrong with being with just yourself. I should be able to have just as much fun with myself than any other friend out there. To enjoy oneself is to love oneself. From there, growth is endless. I hope to get there one day. Andiamo.