To Be Honest

I let fear and anxiety control my life. I let them make decisions for me too often. I have ruined so many good things in my life because of fear and anxiety. I would be scared to upset someone, disappoint someone, lose someone, so I wouldn’t say something that needed to be said. I would be anxious about becoming alone or losing people in my life that I would over do everything involved with them just to keep them around. The ironic thing is…when I let fear make those decisions for me and when I let anxiety make those decisions for me, then what I was worried about happening would happen. Someone would get upset with me, disappointed in me, leave me because I was too scared to say something. People in my life would leave me because my anxiety would drive them away. My fear and anxiety of losing people and driving them away would take control of me and ended up with me losing people and driving them away. This needs to stop. I was recently told that I need to start being honest more. Specifically, I need to start being honest with myself. To be honest, I was very angry when I was first told that. What does that mean, to be honest with myself?? I had been working so hard these last few months to change and to become a better, healthier person. What do you mean to be more honest with myself?? After a rough drive home and about an hour lying there thinking and letting emotions wash over me, I think I understand. I need to quit letting fear and anxiety control me. I need to be honest. I need to be honest with people regardless of the fear and anxiety of them becoming upset with me or driving them away. I need to be honest about who I am and stop trying to be someone to fit in with others. I need to be honest with myself and, while there are low moments, not let fear and anxiety tell me who I am. I need to be honest.

That starts now. I am being honest with myself. To be honest, I am a coward. I am someone who lets fear and anxiety tell him what to do. I make poor decisions because I am afraid to lose people, to become lonely, to upset the ones I love. The ironic thing is, as I stated above, that happens anyways when I let fear and anxiety control me. I am a coward. I am an anxious coward. I succumb to fear and anxiety to the point where it ruins relationships and ruins my joy and happiness. I am someone that lets fear and anxiety tell me the kind of person that I am and what other people think about me. I let fear and anxiety tell me who I am. That is just me being honest. However, and this is just me being honest, I am also someone who has come so fucking far in these ten months. I am someone who has busted their ass to change, to become a better person, to become a healthier person. I am someone who has lost so much because of their own cowardly decisions, but is also someone who is going to work incredibly hard to earn everything they gain in life. I am someone who loves to read, wants to earn money writing, and who is a massive nerd. I am quiet and shy and crowds can make me anxious. I am a homebody introvert, but love a good party. I am someone who is creative and insightful and loves a good challenge. I am someone who wants to travel and see so many parts of the world. I am someone who wants a family and to be loved. I am someone who has hurt people due to their selfish, cowardly choices. I am someone who wishes they could change that and regrets every decision that led to those hurts. I am someone who understands that “sorry” and regret won’t fix things. I am someone who knows that sometimes people leave your life for good and there is nothing you can do about it. I am someone who has made some horrible decisions in their life, but is a good person and working on becoming a better one everyday. I am someone who has lost so many things due to their selfish and cowardly behavior, but knows that I deserve a life worth living because I am working hard for one. I am someone who needs to start being honest and needs to start being honest with himself and stop letting fear and anxiety make those decisions. I am someone who is terrified to post this out of fear that someone may judge me, or say I don’t deserve a life worth living, or tell me I am a horrible person. Forget them. I am better, I am changed, I am healthier. I am going to start being more honest. I am going to start telling myself who I am and not my fear and anxiety. I am a good person. I know I am. To be honest, I am me.

If you enjoyed this post please enter your email on the main page and subscribe for me. Thank you!!